Thank you

Thank you to Lynn Formella for inspiring me to come back to my blog :)  Truly, it has felt like life in the fast lane this year.  There are so many days I feel like a mouse on the wheel in a cage, always running but not sure I am ever getting anywhere!  I am not complaining, because the reason for this crazy, mixed, awful, beautiful life is my two children and all that they bring to my life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I waited far too long to become a mother, and cherish each moment I have with the kids, even when they have me running all across the south  metro on any given day.  All too soon they will leave the comfortable nest of home, and I know I will long for the days of being so busy I forget to pee.

I've experienced some "God thing" moments with regard to Colm's life recently, with dreams of a beautiful baby boy and also creating a (new) non-profit group to help spread the word of loving and carrying these children that are 'incompatible with life'.  I love when I dream of a baby boy, because I know it is Colm's spirit coming to me, I don't want to wake up and leave him.  Lynn shared with me the story of her niece, who's mom was told to terminate at 20 weeks gestation due to an incompatible with life liver condition.  Her adorable niece is now 3 1/2 years old, attending pre-school and bringing love and joy into the lives of her family and friends.  You just never know what God has planned for us, or our children.  As we approach this Advent season, we need to be like Mary in saying YES and being open to God's will for our lives.  It isn't always easy, but if God brings us to it, He will bring us through it.

Blessings to all!

Dates

I am blessed with a great memory.  It has been a gift in my career in retail, and now in education.  I remember customers, students, parents, small details in their lives that when I can recall them make them feel special.  I remember the date of my first date with my husband, the date of our first kiss, the date we started fertility treatments, the date of our first son's conception, the dates I found out I was pregnant with each of my children...all of these dates that have had a huge impact on my life.  While this uncanny ability can be a blessing, it also can bring back painful memories of specific dates.  I remember the dates of my two miscarriages, and another one of those dates just passed - January 12.  This is the date I found out about the genetic condition Trisomy 18. I was 17 weeks pregnant with our third child, and had just had my routing triple screen blood work when the clinic called and told me to come in for an ultrasound.  My blood work came back showing a 1:10 chance that my unborn child had this condition, which is generally considered "not compatible with life". Three days later I had that ultra sound which supported their suspicions, and on my son Sean's 9th birthday just 6 days later,  I had an amnio to confirm the diagnosis.  On January 23, it was confirmed that my unborn (son) had Trisomy 18.  Why am I fixated on these dates, still 8 years later? Because just as I can recall all of the earlier happy life moment dates, I can also remember each of the dates that brought me pain.  March 9 is the last day I felt my son Colm move within me... March 12 is when the doctors confirmed that he had passed away...March 16 was the day I delivered my beautiful baby boy...March 22 is the day we said goodbye and buried him.

The First Steps - 8 years ago

It seems like yesterday when I heard the term "Trisomy 18" and what it all meant.  It is so hard for me to believe it has been nearly 8 years - because that means that it has also been nearly 8 years since I felt my baby boy kick, held his tiny, beautiful body in my arms and then had to say good bye to him.

If you are a parent who has recently received a diagnosis that is "not compatible with life", my heart goes out to you.  It is one of the most devastating moments in a parent's life, however, I would not give up a single moment of my son's brief life if it meant I didn't have to feel that pain.  At first you feel shock; this can't be happening, it must be a really bad dream. Then you realize that it is indeed happening to you, and you feel anger, which can be compounded if you are a person of faith.  Why is God punishing me with this?  I am a believer!  I love Him and he is putting me through this horrible pain and ordeal.  Eventually, you come to accept that plan that God has for you and your unborn baby and embrace it.  It may not be the journey you envisioned or hoped for, but now you need to make the most out of the life you have before you.

Every single moment that I had with Colm is precious to me -- embrace with love your baby and what time you will have with him or her.  Enjoy the pregnancy -- you have LIFE within you!  That beautiful baby is an expression of God's love and the love between you and your husband.  Know that there will be tears, and anger, but use them to help you move forward each day and do the best you can for you and your baby.  Always know that you have a community of parents who are here to support you in any way we can.