A Mom's long, exhausting, and emotional day

 I decided to blog about today, some of the events have been chronicled on Facebook but there is so much more to the story!  I knew today would be a long day -- driving Sean back to Madison for semester #2 means 9+ hours in a car on I-94.  The dreaded anticipation of a long day was increased when I saw that MN is in a winter weather advisory, with projected 2 -4 " of snow, and then blowing snow all day today and I knew it was going to be a killer day.  Add in saying good-bye to Sean, and well, let's just say I was not looking forward to today.  The only bright spot was that we had plans for a curling night get together with families from Holy Angels at the St. Paul Curling Club, which promised endless beer, food, and fun.  Instead of that bright spot, I am sitting home, emotionally and physically exhausted with quite the tale to tell.

To set the scene, my car has had some issues the past couple of weeks, and we finally were able to get it to our regular mechanic this week.  Yesterday, he gave us the all clear to take the car to Madison today, and asked that we bring it back Monday to finish up one last thing he ordered a part for.  Sean and I woke up early this morning to head out for the drive.  Immediately the roads in MN are horrible, snow covered, no plows, salt, poor visibility, etc. We cross the bridge into WI and all of a sudden at least part of the road is dry and easy to drive.  I think, "It's going to be a good drive!"  About an hour into the trip, one of the dashboard lights that was on prior to taking my car in, comes back on.  I don't think too much about it, after the "all clear" from my mechanic yesterday....big mistake.

Thankfully the drive to Madison goes without incident, we arrive around 12:15, unload Sean and get ready to say good-bye.  The smart alek keeps asking me, "Are you going to miss me Mom?" and I finally look at him and say, "Are you going to miss ME?".  This detail is comes back later.  We say goodbye, and try as hard as I might, I end up crying and hugging him, not wanting to let go. I know it will be several weeks before I get those hugs again.  We say a final goodbye, and I make my way to head back to MN.  I'm feeling pretty good about the drive, thinking I just might make it back in time for the start of the curling party!

As I am driving down Washington Ave. in Madison, my car starts making strange sounds...the lights are on again as before, and I notice that it's difficult to accelerate every once in awhile.  Anxious to get home, and not wanting to deal with car issues in Madison, I head out to the highway.  I am able to get to my cruising speed of 72 MPH, and feel good about the trip back.  About 2 hours into the trip, as I am putting a CD of the Diving Mercy Chaplet in to pray (it was 3:00 p.m.), just as I started saying the Our Father, the car makes a "thump" sound, and I lose speed.  I did have control of the car, and the brakes worked, so I managed to get the car over to the right side of I-94 and it DIES.  Dead. Nothing.  There is power via the battery, so the dashboard is lit and the radio works, but nothing happens when I try to turn it over.  I instantly know, this is not good!

My parents give us a AAA membership each year for Christmas, and it has come in handy several times for dead batteries, car accident tows, and keys locked in the car.  I know it will never be more handy than right now!  I am able to figure out where is the nearest exit (#143 just north of Tomah, WI), and assured that my tow truck will arrive within the next 40 minutes.  I have 100 miles of free towing, so  I find a Volkswagen dealership in Eau Claire, WI,  I know that is about 75 miles away and call them to arrange service.  The service department is closed (it's now 3:30 on a Saturday), but the very pleasant and helpful receptionist tries to secure a loaner car for me from the sales manager (there wasn't), then tries to find a rental car for me in Eau Claire (all closed at noon), and finally finds a place for me to wait that will be safe and easy to find.  What a gem she was!  I wish I could remember her name.  While I'm waiting, I read a text that was sent to me during my drive.  Remember what I said about Sean's smart alek questions and my response?  The text is from Sean, "I will really miss you.  I take for granted how nice it was to have you for a month.  Drive safe, and love you."    Boom.  Heartstrings tugged.  How did I get such a great kid...I start sobbing in my increasingly chilly car, finding myself with no napkins, no tissue, missing my son and wishing for one more big hug.

About 3:50 I get a call from Duane, from Granger Campground and Small Engine Service in Oakdale, WI, telling me is on his way.  Duane arrives, and walks me to the warm cab of his tow truck.  He then proceeds to get my car hooked up to tow to Eau Claire.  I take advantage of the warm truck, call Corey and let him know what is happening.  A few minutes later Duane comes back to the truck, and I ask if we're all ready to go.  "Nope, it's gonna be a while." He then proceeds to call someone and tell them to bring the flatbed, because the hydraulic something snapped on the tow truck we were in.  All I can think is, "Of course it did!".  So, after another 30 minutes of waiting, desperately trying to find someone on their way back from Madison to pick me up in Eau Claire before finally calling Corey to let him know where to pick me up, and we are on our way.  Duane then tells me that we need to get fuel in Black River Falls, because he is almost on empty.  I am happy to hear this, because I have to pee and I am very hungry, not having eaten anything since 9:00 this morning.  We are in Wisconsin, and I spy cold beer in the refrigerator cases at Kwik Trip.  Oh, do I want to snag a six-pack to drink right now, but I pass on that impulse and meet Duane back at the rig for the rest of our trip.

Duane is a kind older (75) gentleman who reminds me a lot of my Dad, and we have a nice conversation for the 60 minute drive.  He says several times that he is worried that I'll have a ride when he leaves me in Eau Claire, and asks if I'm sure I don't want him to wait with me.  Kathleen has been texting me to let me know where she and Corey are, and I assure him that I will not have to wait long.  We drop off my car at Ken Vance VW in Eau Claire,  he drops me off at the Holiday station, and soon after Corey and Kathleen arrive to bring me home.

On the drive home and as I share the details of the day with Corey and Kathleen, I make sure to find the things to be thankful for in the day.  Despite my nerves being frayed from the events of the afternoon, I make sure to be thankful that this happened on my way home, not during the snow, not in the dark, that my parents give us a AAA Plus membership, that I had kind strangers working to help me out, that I was able to have control of my car enough to get to the side of the road safely.  Earlier as I was driving, I kept thinking and praying about breaking the drive into small sections and pray that the car makes it.  My last prayer was to get to Eau Claire.  My car did make it to Eau Claire, although not in the way I had been thinking and praying, so I guess my prayer was answered.

Thank you

Thank you to Lynn Formella for inspiring me to come back to my blog :)  Truly, it has felt like life in the fast lane this year.  There are so many days I feel like a mouse on the wheel in a cage, always running but not sure I am ever getting anywhere!  I am not complaining, because the reason for this crazy, mixed, awful, beautiful life is my two children and all that they bring to my life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I waited far too long to become a mother, and cherish each moment I have with the kids, even when they have me running all across the south  metro on any given day.  All too soon they will leave the comfortable nest of home, and I know I will long for the days of being so busy I forget to pee.

I've experienced some "God thing" moments with regard to Colm's life recently, with dreams of a beautiful baby boy and also creating a (new) non-profit group to help spread the word of loving and carrying these children that are 'incompatible with life'.  I love when I dream of a baby boy, because I know it is Colm's spirit coming to me, I don't want to wake up and leave him.  Lynn shared with me the story of her niece, who's mom was told to terminate at 20 weeks gestation due to an incompatible with life liver condition.  Her adorable niece is now 3 1/2 years old, attending pre-school and bringing love and joy into the lives of her family and friends.  You just never know what God has planned for us, or our children.  As we approach this Advent season, we need to be like Mary in saying YES and being open to God's will for our lives.  It isn't always easy, but if God brings us to it, He will bring us through it.

Blessings to all!

Dates

I am blessed with a great memory.  It has been a gift in my career in retail, and now in education.  I remember customers, students, parents, small details in their lives that when I can recall them make them feel special.  I remember the date of my first date with my husband, the date of our first kiss, the date we started fertility treatments, the date of our first son's conception, the dates I found out I was pregnant with each of my children...all of these dates that have had a huge impact on my life.  While this uncanny ability can be a blessing, it also can bring back painful memories of specific dates.  I remember the dates of my two miscarriages, and another one of those dates just passed - January 12.  This is the date I found out about the genetic condition Trisomy 18. I was 17 weeks pregnant with our third child, and had just had my routing triple screen blood work when the clinic called and told me to come in for an ultrasound.  My blood work came back showing a 1:10 chance that my unborn child had this condition, which is generally considered "not compatible with life". Three days later I had that ultra sound which supported their suspicions, and on my son Sean's 9th birthday just 6 days later,  I had an amnio to confirm the diagnosis.  On January 23, it was confirmed that my unborn (son) had Trisomy 18.  Why am I fixated on these dates, still 8 years later? Because just as I can recall all of the earlier happy life moment dates, I can also remember each of the dates that brought me pain.  March 9 is the last day I felt my son Colm move within me... March 12 is when the doctors confirmed that he had passed away...March 16 was the day I delivered my beautiful baby boy...March 22 is the day we said goodbye and buried him.

The First Steps - 8 years ago

It seems like yesterday when I heard the term "Trisomy 18" and what it all meant.  It is so hard for me to believe it has been nearly 8 years - because that means that it has also been nearly 8 years since I felt my baby boy kick, held his tiny, beautiful body in my arms and then had to say good bye to him.

If you are a parent who has recently received a diagnosis that is "not compatible with life", my heart goes out to you.  It is one of the most devastating moments in a parent's life, however, I would not give up a single moment of my son's brief life if it meant I didn't have to feel that pain.  At first you feel shock; this can't be happening, it must be a really bad dream. Then you realize that it is indeed happening to you, and you feel anger, which can be compounded if you are a person of faith.  Why is God punishing me with this?  I am a believer!  I love Him and he is putting me through this horrible pain and ordeal.  Eventually, you come to accept that plan that God has for you and your unborn baby and embrace it.  It may not be the journey you envisioned or hoped for, but now you need to make the most out of the life you have before you.

Every single moment that I had with Colm is precious to me -- embrace with love your baby and what time you will have with him or her.  Enjoy the pregnancy -- you have LIFE within you!  That beautiful baby is an expression of God's love and the love between you and your husband.  Know that there will be tears, and anger, but use them to help you move forward each day and do the best you can for you and your baby.  Always know that you have a community of parents who are here to support you in any way we can.

Is God Trying to Annoy Me?

I can't take credit for the title of this post.  My dear daughter uttered these words 7 years ago, when we had to tell her that another baby that  she had been waiting for was going to join God in Heaven.  Rather than cry, she looked at me point blank and said, "Is God just trying to annoy me by having all of our babies die?".  I have to admit, it caught me by surprise, but also was a great question to ask.  I had wondered the same thing after each of my miscarriages, and then the diagnosis of Colm's T18. 

The more I thought about this, I realized it was a good summary of my journey toward and during motherhood.  As long as I can remember, the only thing I ever wanted to do or be was a mom.  Ask my younger sister, she'll be happy to tell you how much I mothered her!  I had a strong passion for nurturing and taking care of others.  This isn't terribly surprising, considering I am the older daughter and also possess this strong nurturing streak from my wonderful, loving mother.  While in high school, I volunteered at the hospital, wanting to help and take care of people as much as I could.  In college, I continued this as a volunteer at Children's Hospital each week, loving my interaction with all of the children, finding myself becoming attached to those angels who spent far too much time in the hospital and devastated when one of them passed away.  I was dorm "mom";  a Resident Advisor for the last 2 1/2 years of my time at Marquette, where I was the big sister/mom figure to dozens of girls.  My senior year of college was the first time I dealt with the fact that I may never be a biological mom; I found  out I had endometriosis and needed surgery to try to take care of it.  I can still picture sitting in my dorm room, wondering what kind of future I would have if it didn't include children.  This was the first annoyance I had with God that His plan for my life maybe didn't coincide with my plan.

My Gift of Time

Below are my responses to some of the questions; I apologize if they are not as lengthy or detailed; I am recovering from surgery and have a bit of a foggy mind due to pain killers!

What would you tell parents who have received a fatal diagnosis? What do you wish someone told you?

I have been fortunate to assist some parents since the birth and death of Colm.  The first parents I counseled proved to be the most difficult, but not for the reasons you may think.  About 7 months after Colm's birth, I was asked to meet with a couple from our church, who had just recently found out that their unborn daughter had Trisomy 13.  I spoke to the mother on the phone, and she told me that they had already scheduled the early induction @ 20 weeks for their daughter.  I was shocked, as I thought I would be helping this family through the life of their daughter.  She was very  matter of fact, and told me the very detailed plan that her OB/GYN had planned out for her for delivery.  I knew that there was no talking her out of the decision that had been made, and I found myself grieving for their unborn daughter, and for both of them. 

Other parents that I have talked with have chosen to continue their pregnancy, as we did.  My advice to them is to always cherish each and every moment they have with their baby: during the pregnancy, delivery and whatever time they may have after with their baby.  You can't get those moments back, and that is what will sustain you in the years after their child's life. 

I had a woman (Jessica in the book) who did help me through our pregnancy, and the grieving after.  She was so helpful, and honestly, gave us such loving advice on savoring each moment with Colm.  The only regret I have now is that I didn't call upon her and Brad to come to the hospital to take pictures for us, as they had offered.  I was afraid of burdening them - and I now realize that they simply wanted to give us a cherished life gift. That would be the only other advice that I share, as our only regret.

What do you wish caregivers/doctors/nurses/hospital staff knew, in order to be better equipped to support families in this situation?

 So much more, especially during the pregnancy.  My OB/GYN was not at all supportive, and from the moment their was a hint of something wrong with the pregnancy, each dr. I encountered at the practice treated me and my son as a bother.  They didn't know how to handle me emotionally, wanted me to end the pregnancy so we could move forward and try to have another baby (because I wasn't getting younger...to quote one of them drs.).  The drs. and their staff need to appreciate the life choice that their patients make, and support it in every way.  They need to read and live by this book!

As a bereaved parent, how have you continued to celebrate the memory of your deceased infant, and what resources did you utilize to help you cope with your loss?

One of the first things I did, was connect with another group of moms who have experienced a similar situation and loss, and we formed a support group (Prenatal Partners for Life).  This effort was an act of love to honor the memory of our children, and helped to celebrate their lives through our efforts.  I have found talking about Colm with our family and friends has helped to keep his memory alive; I am a teacher, and each year my class knows about one of my children who lives in Heaven.  I bring in birthday treats for my class to celebrate his birthday at school, as he should be able to do.  The kids love it, and are so understanding about it.  Our family also celebrates his life each Christmas by purchasing an ornament for our tree for Colm, and I purchase a gift for a boy of his age (that he would be) to donate to Toys for Tots.  His stocking hangs on our fireplace mantle, and he is a part of each holiday.  To honor his birthday, we have a dinner that would be what a boy his age would want to have.  This year, it was McDonald's and the year before that, corn dogs and macaroni and cheese.  We have a cupcake, make a birthday wish and know that he is celebrating with the angels in Heaven.

Blankets

What is it about blankets that is so comforting?  Is it their smell, touch, or just their simple presence that brings a sense of comfort to us?  I have assembled a collection of them, from various phases of my life and people who have come in and left my life. Most recently, after the passing of our sweet dog Duncan, I added the blanket that he came to us with to my collection. 

It all started with my childhood blankie.  My great-grandmother made it for me, and I remember sleeping with it well into college.  My great-grandmother passed away when I was 2 years old, and I don't really have a tangible memory of her, but sleeping with that quilted blanket with the flannel backing was always like having her with me.  I am now also blessed to have the rosary beads that she slept with each night, and that she had in her hands when she passed away nearly 45 years ago. 

My next blanket is from my son who was born and died nearly 7 years ago.  It is a blanket that I cherish; his precious little body was wrapped lovingly in this blanket, and it is one of a few items that he touched that I still have.  I sleep with this blanket under my pillow each night, and it is brings him that much closer to me. 

My loving grandmother passed away 2 years ago; when she was in the hospital, the hospice care brought her a small, hand-crocheted blanket to help to keep her warm as she was preparing to pass away.  No one wanted this multi-colored blanket in my family, but I was more than happy to take it home with me and keep grandma close to me.   I sleep with this now, much like the quilted, flannel backed blankie from my childhood that my daughter now uses.

These seemingly simple blankets are a treasured memento of people (and my dog) who have graced my life.  Snuggling with this collection of comfort makes me feel as if their loving arms are wrapped around me in a warm embrace, and who knows?  Perhaps they actually are.