I can't take credit for the title of this post. My dear daughter uttered these words 7 years ago, when we had to tell her that another baby that she had been waiting for was going to join God in Heaven. Rather than cry, she looked at me point blank and said, "Is God just trying to annoy me by having all of our babies die?". I have to admit, it caught me by surprise, but also was a great question to ask. I had wondered the same thing after each of my miscarriages, and then the diagnosis of Colm's T18.
The more I thought about this, I realized it was a good summary of my journey toward and during motherhood. As long as I can remember, the only thing I ever wanted to do or be was a mom. Ask my younger sister, she'll be happy to tell you how much I mothered her! I had a strong passion for nurturing and taking care of others. This isn't terribly surprising, considering I am the older daughter and also possess this strong nurturing streak from my wonderful, loving mother. While in high school, I volunteered at the hospital, wanting to help and take care of people as much as I could. In college, I continued this as a volunteer at Children's Hospital each week, loving my interaction with all of the children, finding myself becoming attached to those angels who spent far too much time in the hospital and devastated when one of them passed away. I was dorm "mom"; a Resident Advisor for the last 2 1/2 years of my time at Marquette, where I was the big sister/mom figure to dozens of girls. My senior year of college was the first time I dealt with the fact that I may never be a biological mom; I found out I had endometriosis and needed surgery to try to take care of it. I can still picture sitting in my dorm room, wondering what kind of future I would have if it didn't include children. This was the first annoyance I had with God that His plan for my life maybe didn't coincide with my plan.
