My Gift of Time

Below are my responses to some of the questions; I apologize if they are not as lengthy or detailed; I am recovering from surgery and have a bit of a foggy mind due to pain killers!

What would you tell parents who have received a fatal diagnosis? What do you wish someone told you?

I have been fortunate to assist some parents since the birth and death of Colm.  The first parents I counseled proved to be the most difficult, but not for the reasons you may think.  About 7 months after Colm's birth, I was asked to meet with a couple from our church, who had just recently found out that their unborn daughter had Trisomy 13.  I spoke to the mother on the phone, and she told me that they had already scheduled the early induction @ 20 weeks for their daughter.  I was shocked, as I thought I would be helping this family through the life of their daughter.  She was very  matter of fact, and told me the very detailed plan that her OB/GYN had planned out for her for delivery.  I knew that there was no talking her out of the decision that had been made, and I found myself grieving for their unborn daughter, and for both of them. 

Other parents that I have talked with have chosen to continue their pregnancy, as we did.  My advice to them is to always cherish each and every moment they have with their baby: during the pregnancy, delivery and whatever time they may have after with their baby.  You can't get those moments back, and that is what will sustain you in the years after their child's life. 

I had a woman (Jessica in the book) who did help me through our pregnancy, and the grieving after.  She was so helpful, and honestly, gave us such loving advice on savoring each moment with Colm.  The only regret I have now is that I didn't call upon her and Brad to come to the hospital to take pictures for us, as they had offered.  I was afraid of burdening them - and I now realize that they simply wanted to give us a cherished life gift. That would be the only other advice that I share, as our only regret.

What do you wish caregivers/doctors/nurses/hospital staff knew, in order to be better equipped to support families in this situation?

 So much more, especially during the pregnancy.  My OB/GYN was not at all supportive, and from the moment their was a hint of something wrong with the pregnancy, each dr. I encountered at the practice treated me and my son as a bother.  They didn't know how to handle me emotionally, wanted me to end the pregnancy so we could move forward and try to have another baby (because I wasn't getting younger...to quote one of them drs.).  The drs. and their staff need to appreciate the life choice that their patients make, and support it in every way.  They need to read and live by this book!

As a bereaved parent, how have you continued to celebrate the memory of your deceased infant, and what resources did you utilize to help you cope with your loss?

One of the first things I did, was connect with another group of moms who have experienced a similar situation and loss, and we formed a support group (Prenatal Partners for Life).  This effort was an act of love to honor the memory of our children, and helped to celebrate their lives through our efforts.  I have found talking about Colm with our family and friends has helped to keep his memory alive; I am a teacher, and each year my class knows about one of my children who lives in Heaven.  I bring in birthday treats for my class to celebrate his birthday at school, as he should be able to do.  The kids love it, and are so understanding about it.  Our family also celebrates his life each Christmas by purchasing an ornament for our tree for Colm, and I purchase a gift for a boy of his age (that he would be) to donate to Toys for Tots.  His stocking hangs on our fireplace mantle, and he is a part of each holiday.  To honor his birthday, we have a dinner that would be what a boy his age would want to have.  This year, it was McDonald's and the year before that, corn dogs and macaroni and cheese.  We have a cupcake, make a birthday wish and know that he is celebrating with the angels in Heaven.

Blankets

What is it about blankets that is so comforting?  Is it their smell, touch, or just their simple presence that brings a sense of comfort to us?  I have assembled a collection of them, from various phases of my life and people who have come in and left my life. Most recently, after the passing of our sweet dog Duncan, I added the blanket that he came to us with to my collection. 

It all started with my childhood blankie.  My great-grandmother made it for me, and I remember sleeping with it well into college.  My great-grandmother passed away when I was 2 years old, and I don't really have a tangible memory of her, but sleeping with that quilted blanket with the flannel backing was always like having her with me.  I am now also blessed to have the rosary beads that she slept with each night, and that she had in her hands when she passed away nearly 45 years ago. 

My next blanket is from my son who was born and died nearly 7 years ago.  It is a blanket that I cherish; his precious little body was wrapped lovingly in this blanket, and it is one of a few items that he touched that I still have.  I sleep with this blanket under my pillow each night, and it is brings him that much closer to me. 

My loving grandmother passed away 2 years ago; when she was in the hospital, the hospice care brought her a small, hand-crocheted blanket to help to keep her warm as she was preparing to pass away.  No one wanted this multi-colored blanket in my family, but I was more than happy to take it home with me and keep grandma close to me.   I sleep with this now, much like the quilted, flannel backed blankie from my childhood that my daughter now uses.

These seemingly simple blankets are a treasured memento of people (and my dog) who have graced my life.  Snuggling with this collection of comfort makes me feel as if their loving arms are wrapped around me in a warm embrace, and who knows?  Perhaps they actually are.