Is God Trying to Annoy Me?

I can't take credit for the title of this post.  My dear daughter uttered these words 7 years ago, when we had to tell her that another baby that  she had been waiting for was going to join God in Heaven.  Rather than cry, she looked at me point blank and said, "Is God just trying to annoy me by having all of our babies die?".  I have to admit, it caught me by surprise, but also was a great question to ask.  I had wondered the same thing after each of my miscarriages, and then the diagnosis of Colm's T18. 

The more I thought about this, I realized it was a good summary of my journey toward and during motherhood.  As long as I can remember, the only thing I ever wanted to do or be was a mom.  Ask my younger sister, she'll be happy to tell you how much I mothered her!  I had a strong passion for nurturing and taking care of others.  This isn't terribly surprising, considering I am the older daughter and also possess this strong nurturing streak from my wonderful, loving mother.  While in high school, I volunteered at the hospital, wanting to help and take care of people as much as I could.  In college, I continued this as a volunteer at Children's Hospital each week, loving my interaction with all of the children, finding myself becoming attached to those angels who spent far too much time in the hospital and devastated when one of them passed away.  I was dorm "mom";  a Resident Advisor for the last 2 1/2 years of my time at Marquette, where I was the big sister/mom figure to dozens of girls.  My senior year of college was the first time I dealt with the fact that I may never be a biological mom; I found  out I had endometriosis and needed surgery to try to take care of it.  I can still picture sitting in my dorm room, wondering what kind of future I would have if it didn't include children.  This was the first annoyance I had with God that His plan for my life maybe didn't coincide with my plan.

My Gift of Time

Below are my responses to some of the questions; I apologize if they are not as lengthy or detailed; I am recovering from surgery and have a bit of a foggy mind due to pain killers!

What would you tell parents who have received a fatal diagnosis? What do you wish someone told you?

I have been fortunate to assist some parents since the birth and death of Colm.  The first parents I counseled proved to be the most difficult, but not for the reasons you may think.  About 7 months after Colm's birth, I was asked to meet with a couple from our church, who had just recently found out that their unborn daughter had Trisomy 13.  I spoke to the mother on the phone, and she told me that they had already scheduled the early induction @ 20 weeks for their daughter.  I was shocked, as I thought I would be helping this family through the life of their daughter.  She was very  matter of fact, and told me the very detailed plan that her OB/GYN had planned out for her for delivery.  I knew that there was no talking her out of the decision that had been made, and I found myself grieving for their unborn daughter, and for both of them. 

Other parents that I have talked with have chosen to continue their pregnancy, as we did.  My advice to them is to always cherish each and every moment they have with their baby: during the pregnancy, delivery and whatever time they may have after with their baby.  You can't get those moments back, and that is what will sustain you in the years after their child's life. 

I had a woman (Jessica in the book) who did help me through our pregnancy, and the grieving after.  She was so helpful, and honestly, gave us such loving advice on savoring each moment with Colm.  The only regret I have now is that I didn't call upon her and Brad to come to the hospital to take pictures for us, as they had offered.  I was afraid of burdening them - and I now realize that they simply wanted to give us a cherished life gift. That would be the only other advice that I share, as our only regret.

What do you wish caregivers/doctors/nurses/hospital staff knew, in order to be better equipped to support families in this situation?

 So much more, especially during the pregnancy.  My OB/GYN was not at all supportive, and from the moment their was a hint of something wrong with the pregnancy, each dr. I encountered at the practice treated me and my son as a bother.  They didn't know how to handle me emotionally, wanted me to end the pregnancy so we could move forward and try to have another baby (because I wasn't getting younger...to quote one of them drs.).  The drs. and their staff need to appreciate the life choice that their patients make, and support it in every way.  They need to read and live by this book!

As a bereaved parent, how have you continued to celebrate the memory of your deceased infant, and what resources did you utilize to help you cope with your loss?

One of the first things I did, was connect with another group of moms who have experienced a similar situation and loss, and we formed a support group (Prenatal Partners for Life).  This effort was an act of love to honor the memory of our children, and helped to celebrate their lives through our efforts.  I have found talking about Colm with our family and friends has helped to keep his memory alive; I am a teacher, and each year my class knows about one of my children who lives in Heaven.  I bring in birthday treats for my class to celebrate his birthday at school, as he should be able to do.  The kids love it, and are so understanding about it.  Our family also celebrates his life each Christmas by purchasing an ornament for our tree for Colm, and I purchase a gift for a boy of his age (that he would be) to donate to Toys for Tots.  His stocking hangs on our fireplace mantle, and he is a part of each holiday.  To honor his birthday, we have a dinner that would be what a boy his age would want to have.  This year, it was McDonald's and the year before that, corn dogs and macaroni and cheese.  We have a cupcake, make a birthday wish and know that he is celebrating with the angels in Heaven.

Blankets

What is it about blankets that is so comforting?  Is it their smell, touch, or just their simple presence that brings a sense of comfort to us?  I have assembled a collection of them, from various phases of my life and people who have come in and left my life. Most recently, after the passing of our sweet dog Duncan, I added the blanket that he came to us with to my collection. 

It all started with my childhood blankie.  My great-grandmother made it for me, and I remember sleeping with it well into college.  My great-grandmother passed away when I was 2 years old, and I don't really have a tangible memory of her, but sleeping with that quilted blanket with the flannel backing was always like having her with me.  I am now also blessed to have the rosary beads that she slept with each night, and that she had in her hands when she passed away nearly 45 years ago. 

My next blanket is from my son who was born and died nearly 7 years ago.  It is a blanket that I cherish; his precious little body was wrapped lovingly in this blanket, and it is one of a few items that he touched that I still have.  I sleep with this blanket under my pillow each night, and it is brings him that much closer to me. 

My loving grandmother passed away 2 years ago; when she was in the hospital, the hospice care brought her a small, hand-crocheted blanket to help to keep her warm as she was preparing to pass away.  No one wanted this multi-colored blanket in my family, but I was more than happy to take it home with me and keep grandma close to me.   I sleep with this now, much like the quilted, flannel backed blankie from my childhood that my daughter now uses.

These seemingly simple blankets are a treasured memento of people (and my dog) who have graced my life.  Snuggling with this collection of comfort makes me feel as if their loving arms are wrapped around me in a warm embrace, and who knows?  Perhaps they actually are.

Baby Love?

I seem to have this intense baby love that I doubt will ever go away.  It started about 40 years ago, when all I wanted to be was a mom and a teacher (achieved both, thankfully!).  After 5 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages, a stillbirth and raising 2 amazing kiddos - I still have this intense baby desire.  A mom at school brought her son with her today, he's 13 months old, and I could literally feel this pang in my heart of wanting another baby. Sometimes it actually hurts. 

Realism tells me I won't, but it doesn't take away the feeling.  I remember how happy I was when I was pregnant with Colm, and was going to get that one more baby.  Perhaps that is why the intense baby drive is still so prevalent - I'm missing out on the baby love that I should have had with him nearly 7 years ago.  All those baby smells, coos, smiles, giggles will have to wait for me in Heaven.

Let's Start Again

I used to journal every day; I found it was a great outlet for stress, anxiety, struggles - whatever life threw my way.  I even used to journal nearly every day for my children when they were born.  Notice that both of these sentences use the past tense of the verb use.  It's not that I ceased wanting to journal, it's that time started creeping away from me to take the additional time that journaling requires.  So, I stopped.  I have all kinds of thoughts, ideas, things to share, but never take the time at the end of the day to write them down. 

One of the things I cherish are the journals from my years of struggle with infertility.  It's so heartbreaking when I read how down and hopeless I was during those years; I wish so much that I could go back and tell myself that it all works out and I have these beautiful kids.    To my friends and family who watched my heartbreak, thank you for loving me and standing by me during all of those years. 

Another thing I cherish are the journals I have for my kids.  Wow.  So many amazing, little daily things I recorded for them that I had forgotten!  It brings back all those fantastic early parenthood memories that I perhaps didn't appreciate as much as I should have at the time.  I'd love to go back and experience those years with the kids again; to just hug them and love them up so much and enjoy their smiles, laughs and silly antics.  Life in the fast lane prevented me from truly enjoying them as much as I could have, and I can't get those days or moments back.  Maybe that's what being a grandma will be for.