Let's Start Again

I used to journal every day; I found it was a great outlet for stress, anxiety, struggles - whatever life threw my way.  I even used to journal nearly every day for my children when they were born.  Notice that both of these sentences use the past tense of the verb use.  It's not that I ceased wanting to journal, it's that time started creeping away from me to take the additional time that journaling requires.  So, I stopped.  I have all kinds of thoughts, ideas, things to share, but never take the time at the end of the day to write them down. 

One of the things I cherish are the journals from my years of struggle with infertility.  It's so heartbreaking when I read how down and hopeless I was during those years; I wish so much that I could go back and tell myself that it all works out and I have these beautiful kids.    To my friends and family who watched my heartbreak, thank you for loving me and standing by me during all of those years. 

Another thing I cherish are the journals I have for my kids.  Wow.  So many amazing, little daily things I recorded for them that I had forgotten!  It brings back all those fantastic early parenthood memories that I perhaps didn't appreciate as much as I should have at the time.  I'd love to go back and experience those years with the kids again; to just hug them and love them up so much and enjoy their smiles, laughs and silly antics.  Life in the fast lane prevented me from truly enjoying them as much as I could have, and I can't get those days or moments back.  Maybe that's what being a grandma will be for.