I sit here, the second Sunday in a row not knowing where my daughter is. Last night we said good night to her as we left for an evening out with friends, expecting to see her when we returned by 10:00 p.m. She had been out late the night before, and understood that she did not have car privileges. She seemed content to stay at home with our dogs, and have a lazy Saturday night. Around 8:20 p.m. she sent me a text that her "friends" were picking her up to go to a party. No other details, no idea who she was with or where she was. Around 12:30 a.m. I asked her where she was and who she was with; she simply responded that she wouldn't be home. She finally told me she was in St. Paul and that was the last communication I had with her.
These are not feeling that I am happy to be having on a regular basis; my stomach is in knots wondering where she is, who she is with, is she safe, is she coming home? She seems to have no sense of remorse or regret for acting this way toward us, and even acts as if we are the villain expecting her to communicate with us and respect our wishes. Parents have little recourse available to them in a situation like this; basically we were told one option we had was to suspend her drivers license and that was about it. She is embarking on life choices that are so risky and dangerous not only to herself, but potentially to others. Any consequences we seem to employ at home are laughed at and disregarded. As broken as my heart is right now, I also feel it hardening toward this child. If I have a Teflon coating around my emotions for her, maybe it won't hurt so much when she disappears, lashes out, and continues to make this life together a battle.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Parenting is TOUGH
No one said that being a parent would be easy - and in the past 11 months we've faced some of the toughest parenting of 20 years. Let me start by stressing how much I love my daughter, what a wonderful loving, caring, silly young lady she is. She is not a bad kid, she is just prone to making bad, impulsive decisions. I know we are not alone in facing this struggle, thousands of parents each day are battling with teenage children, and many of them in much more challenging situations that what we are. I am not writing this for pity, but rather to share our honest story in the hopes that other parents with great kids who struggle with the same issues do not feel ashamed and alone.
Our daughter is a great kid - I will continue to say that. The advent of a driving permit, new friendships, and the continuing battle with impulse control due to ADHD caused her to begin making some dangerous and risky decisions. To name a few: taking the car out on several occasions on her own (no license...just a permit), in the middle of the night; not coming home at night, leaving us to wonder where she was; sneaking friends into our house in the middle of the night; dabbling in alcohol and drug use cover the majority of incidents. One of the nights she took out a car, she hit something, causing over $3000 of damage to the front of the car. She still doesn't remember what she hit or where. We try to run a fairly tight ship with discipline in our house, and ask for mutual respect and honesty. Our children have attended private, parochial school since kindergarten, understanding that this is a privilege and our household behavior expectations reflect that. When things started to spin out of control with our daughter, we used the threat of attendance at her private high school as a bargaining chip. Continue this behavior, and she would no longer be attending her beloved school, especially when there are public and charter school alternatives available for her.
After two weekends in a row of not coming home (with telling us she was on her way home), we had enough and called the police. Let me tell you, this was not something that I did easily. My hands were shaking the entire time on the phone, my voice quivering, tears flowing as I had to tell my story three separate times to 911 dispatch operators. After I had made the phone call, I reached out to one of my daughter's friends, found out where she was, but was still determined to have our daughter meet and talk with the officer when he arrived at our house. He arrived about 15 minutes before our daughter finally came home, and handled her like the professional that he is. He didn't yell at her, but made her options on continuing this behavior very clear, told her she was f*ing up her life, and unless she wanted to find herself in jail some day, she better stop. Our daughter was silent, listening, seeming to take it all in. When the officer was done speaking to her, she asked him if he would be taking her to jail now. He replied no, but told her that her name was now on a national list of runaways, should this happen again when she was found, she would be instantly taken to a police station.
We made the decision that afternoon to pull her from her private high school, and began to explore other options for her to finish high school. There was no yelling by either my husband or me, lots of tears, sobbing, and pleading from our daughter (she even enlisted some of her friends in a plea campaign for her to stay at her current school). We remained firm in our decision.
While some of our family was supportive of our decision, other members have not been -- going so far as to hang up the phone on my husband as he tried to explain the reason(s) for this decision. Some family members think we are being too harsh with her, expecting her to be the role model that her older brother was. Again, I ask that they spend the past eleven months in our shoes -- the constant fighting, defiance, willful disobedience from a child. Watching them make decisions that could have permanent and devastating consequences for themselves, our family, and worse others. We've taken away car keys, cell phone but she has still managed to find a way to sneak out and engage in these risky, dangerous behaviors. We love our daughter, so much that it literally hurts. The easiest thing would be to let her continue engaging in these behaviors and have her deal with the inevitable consequences. But I will repeat, we love our daughter. That was never an option for us, as tempting as it may have been at times.
Parenting is tough, and it is only through the grace of God that we get through it each day.
Our daughter is a great kid - I will continue to say that. The advent of a driving permit, new friendships, and the continuing battle with impulse control due to ADHD caused her to begin making some dangerous and risky decisions. To name a few: taking the car out on several occasions on her own (no license...just a permit), in the middle of the night; not coming home at night, leaving us to wonder where she was; sneaking friends into our house in the middle of the night; dabbling in alcohol and drug use cover the majority of incidents. One of the nights she took out a car, she hit something, causing over $3000 of damage to the front of the car. She still doesn't remember what she hit or where. We try to run a fairly tight ship with discipline in our house, and ask for mutual respect and honesty. Our children have attended private, parochial school since kindergarten, understanding that this is a privilege and our household behavior expectations reflect that. When things started to spin out of control with our daughter, we used the threat of attendance at her private high school as a bargaining chip. Continue this behavior, and she would no longer be attending her beloved school, especially when there are public and charter school alternatives available for her.
After two weekends in a row of not coming home (with telling us she was on her way home), we had enough and called the police. Let me tell you, this was not something that I did easily. My hands were shaking the entire time on the phone, my voice quivering, tears flowing as I had to tell my story three separate times to 911 dispatch operators. After I had made the phone call, I reached out to one of my daughter's friends, found out where she was, but was still determined to have our daughter meet and talk with the officer when he arrived at our house. He arrived about 15 minutes before our daughter finally came home, and handled her like the professional that he is. He didn't yell at her, but made her options on continuing this behavior very clear, told her she was f*ing up her life, and unless she wanted to find herself in jail some day, she better stop. Our daughter was silent, listening, seeming to take it all in. When the officer was done speaking to her, she asked him if he would be taking her to jail now. He replied no, but told her that her name was now on a national list of runaways, should this happen again when she was found, she would be instantly taken to a police station.
We made the decision that afternoon to pull her from her private high school, and began to explore other options for her to finish high school. There was no yelling by either my husband or me, lots of tears, sobbing, and pleading from our daughter (she even enlisted some of her friends in a plea campaign for her to stay at her current school). We remained firm in our decision.
While some of our family was supportive of our decision, other members have not been -- going so far as to hang up the phone on my husband as he tried to explain the reason(s) for this decision. Some family members think we are being too harsh with her, expecting her to be the role model that her older brother was. Again, I ask that they spend the past eleven months in our shoes -- the constant fighting, defiance, willful disobedience from a child. Watching them make decisions that could have permanent and devastating consequences for themselves, our family, and worse others. We've taken away car keys, cell phone but she has still managed to find a way to sneak out and engage in these risky, dangerous behaviors. We love our daughter, so much that it literally hurts. The easiest thing would be to let her continue engaging in these behaviors and have her deal with the inevitable consequences. But I will repeat, we love our daughter. That was never an option for us, as tempting as it may have been at times.
Parenting is tough, and it is only through the grace of God that we get through it each day.
Monday, March 10, 2014
The Toughest Week of the Year
This is a week I dread every year since 2005, because I can vividly recall the events each day leading up to the day my youngest son Colm was born. March 9th was the last day I felt him move inside of me; March 12th is the day the doctor. told me that my son's heart was no longer beating; March 15th was the day Corey and I walked into Best Buy to purchase a digital camera to catalog every moment we had with our unborn son and the unknowing sales associate helping us congratulated us on the birth of our baby. Neither of us had the heart to tell him that this baby wouldn't take a breath, open his eyes, or utter a cry as he emerged into this world. March 16th day was the day I walked into Fairview Ridges Hospital to give birth to my youngest son; March 17th was the day I left the hospital without my baby boy.
What is so significant for me this year, is that 10 years have passed. It is beyond my comprehension that much time has gone by, because so much of it is still a clear memory for me. I am also terrified that with each passing year I might forget the emotions of this week, which in some way seems as if I would forget him. Ten years ago today, I sensed something wasn't right, my little baby boy who wiggled whenever I ate a bowl of ice cream or sat in front of the computer screen was not responding to either. I prayed that in the next hour I would feel a twinge of movement, or feel a resounding KICK from him, but all I felt was a heavy weight in my stomach.
My heart is heavy during this week, but it is also lifted in love by all of our friends and family members who remember his brief, but sweet, life. Tears and sadness are okay -- it is all a part of the journey. If you see me, even if I have a smile, know that an extra prayer or hug will let me know you are thinking of my sweet little boy who will be celebrating his 10th birthday in Heaven with the angels this weekend.
What is so significant for me this year, is that 10 years have passed. It is beyond my comprehension that much time has gone by, because so much of it is still a clear memory for me. I am also terrified that with each passing year I might forget the emotions of this week, which in some way seems as if I would forget him. Ten years ago today, I sensed something wasn't right, my little baby boy who wiggled whenever I ate a bowl of ice cream or sat in front of the computer screen was not responding to either. I prayed that in the next hour I would feel a twinge of movement, or feel a resounding KICK from him, but all I felt was a heavy weight in my stomach.
My heart is heavy during this week, but it is also lifted in love by all of our friends and family members who remember his brief, but sweet, life. Tears and sadness are okay -- it is all a part of the journey. If you see me, even if I have a smile, know that an extra prayer or hug will let me know you are thinking of my sweet little boy who will be celebrating his 10th birthday in Heaven with the angels this weekend.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Car Problems Suck
Thanks Jen for the tagline for today. There is nothing good about car repairs. They are always expensive, always necessary, and one of the hardest things to crack open the wallet to pay for.
Today we received the news on my car, and it wasn't good. Basically, it was what Corey anticipated hearing. The engine is kaput. Something about the compression chambers, only 2 of them working and of those two working, they are on their last breath. To quote the service advisor, "Whatever you did, you did it good!". Stefan at Ken Vance VW is working to find us a reasonably priced used engine that they can put in to my car. Now, what he considers to be "reasonably priced" and what we consider it to be could be two completely different things! We'll know more tomorrow, and figure it out then.
Today we received the news on my car, and it wasn't good. Basically, it was what Corey anticipated hearing. The engine is kaput. Something about the compression chambers, only 2 of them working and of those two working, they are on their last breath. To quote the service advisor, "Whatever you did, you did it good!". Stefan at Ken Vance VW is working to find us a reasonably priced used engine that they can put in to my car. Now, what he considers to be "reasonably priced" and what we consider it to be could be two completely different things! We'll know more tomorrow, and figure it out then.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
A Mom's long, exhausting, and emotional day
I decided to blog about today, some of the events have been chronicled on Facebook but there is so much more to the story! I knew today would be a long day -- driving Sean back to Madison for semester #2 means 9+ hours in a car on I-94. The dreaded anticipation of a long day was increased when I saw that MN is in a winter weather advisory, with projected 2 -4 " of snow, and then blowing snow all day today and I knew it was going to be a killer day. Add in saying good-bye to Sean, and well, let's just say I was not looking forward to today. The only bright spot was that we had plans for a curling night get together with families from Holy Angels at the St. Paul Curling Club, which promised endless beer, food, and fun. Instead of that bright spot, I am sitting home, emotionally and physically exhausted with quite the tale to tell.
To set the scene, my car has had some issues the past couple of weeks, and we finally were able to get it to our regular mechanic this week. Yesterday, he gave us the all clear to take the car to Madison today, and asked that we bring it back Monday to finish up one last thing he ordered a part for. Sean and I woke up early this morning to head out for the drive. Immediately the roads in MN are horrible, snow covered, no plows, salt, poor visibility, etc. We cross the bridge into WI and all of a sudden at least part of the road is dry and easy to drive. I think, "It's going to be a good drive!" About an hour into the trip, one of the dashboard lights that was on prior to taking my car in, comes back on. I don't think too much about it, after the "all clear" from my mechanic yesterday....big mistake.
Thankfully the drive to Madison goes without incident, we arrive around 12:15, unload Sean and get ready to say good-bye. The smart alek keeps asking me, "Are you going to miss me Mom?" and I finally look at him and say, "Are you going to miss ME?". This detail is comes back later. We say goodbye, and try as hard as I might, I end up crying and hugging him, not wanting to let go. I know it will be several weeks before I get those hugs again. We say a final goodbye, and I make my way to head back to MN. I'm feeling pretty good about the drive, thinking I just might make it back in time for the start of the curling party!
As I am driving down Washington Ave. in Madison, my car starts making strange sounds...the lights are on again as before, and I notice that it's difficult to accelerate every once in awhile. Anxious to get home, and not wanting to deal with car issues in Madison, I head out to the highway. I am able to get to my cruising speed of 72 MPH, and feel good about the trip back. About 2 hours into the trip, as I am putting a CD of the Diving Mercy Chaplet in to pray (it was 3:00 p.m.), just as I started saying the Our Father, the car makes a "thump" sound, and I lose speed. I did have control of the car, and the brakes worked, so I managed to get the car over to the right side of I-94 and it DIES. Dead. Nothing. There is power via the battery, so the dashboard is lit and the radio works, but nothing happens when I try to turn it over. I instantly know, this is not good!
My parents give us a AAA membership each year for Christmas, and it has come in handy several times for dead batteries, car accident tows, and keys locked in the car. I know it will never be more handy than right now! I am able to figure out where is the nearest exit (#143 just north of Tomah, WI), and assured that my tow truck will arrive within the next 40 minutes. I have 100 miles of free towing, so I find a Volkswagen dealership in Eau Claire, WI, I know that is about 75 miles away and call them to arrange service. The service department is closed (it's now 3:30 on a Saturday), but the very pleasant and helpful receptionist tries to secure a loaner car for me from the sales manager (there wasn't), then tries to find a rental car for me in Eau Claire (all closed at noon), and finally finds a place for me to wait that will be safe and easy to find. What a gem she was! I wish I could remember her name. While I'm waiting, I read a text that was sent to me during my drive. Remember what I said about Sean's smart alek questions and my response? The text is from Sean, "I will really miss you. I take for granted how nice it was to have you for a month. Drive safe, and love you." Boom. Heartstrings tugged. How did I get such a great kid...I start sobbing in my increasingly chilly car, finding myself with no napkins, no tissue, missing my son and wishing for one more big hug.
About 3:50 I get a call from Duane, from Granger Campground and Small Engine Service in Oakdale, WI, telling me is on his way. Duane arrives, and walks me to the warm cab of his tow truck. He then proceeds to get my car hooked up to tow to Eau Claire. I take advantage of the warm truck, call Corey and let him know what is happening. A few minutes later Duane comes back to the truck, and I ask if we're all ready to go. "Nope, it's gonna be a while." He then proceeds to call someone and tell them to bring the flatbed, because the hydraulic something snapped on the tow truck we were in. All I can think is, "Of course it did!". So, after another 30 minutes of waiting, desperately trying to find someone on their way back from Madison to pick me up in Eau Claire before finally calling Corey to let him know where to pick me up, and we are on our way. Duane then tells me that we need to get fuel in Black River Falls, because he is almost on empty. I am happy to hear this, because I have to pee and I am very hungry, not having eaten anything since 9:00 this morning. We are in Wisconsin, and I spy cold beer in the refrigerator cases at Kwik Trip. Oh, do I want to snag a six-pack to drink right now, but I pass on that impulse and meet Duane back at the rig for the rest of our trip.
Duane is a kind older (75) gentleman who reminds me a lot of my Dad, and we have a nice conversation for the 60 minute drive. He says several times that he is worried that I'll have a ride when he leaves me in Eau Claire, and asks if I'm sure I don't want him to wait with me. Kathleen has been texting me to let me know where she and Corey are, and I assure him that I will not have to wait long. We drop off my car at Ken Vance VW in Eau Claire, he drops me off at the Holiday station, and soon after Corey and Kathleen arrive to bring me home.
On the drive home and as I share the details of the day with Corey and Kathleen, I make sure to find the things to be thankful for in the day. Despite my nerves being frayed from the events of the afternoon, I make sure to be thankful that this happened on my way home, not during the snow, not in the dark, that my parents give us a AAA Plus membership, that I had kind strangers working to help me out, that I was able to have control of my car enough to get to the side of the road safely. Earlier as I was driving, I kept thinking and praying about breaking the drive into small sections and pray that the car makes it. My last prayer was to get to Eau Claire. My car did make it to Eau Claire, although not in the way I had been thinking and praying, so I guess my prayer was answered.
To set the scene, my car has had some issues the past couple of weeks, and we finally were able to get it to our regular mechanic this week. Yesterday, he gave us the all clear to take the car to Madison today, and asked that we bring it back Monday to finish up one last thing he ordered a part for. Sean and I woke up early this morning to head out for the drive. Immediately the roads in MN are horrible, snow covered, no plows, salt, poor visibility, etc. We cross the bridge into WI and all of a sudden at least part of the road is dry and easy to drive. I think, "It's going to be a good drive!" About an hour into the trip, one of the dashboard lights that was on prior to taking my car in, comes back on. I don't think too much about it, after the "all clear" from my mechanic yesterday....big mistake.
Thankfully the drive to Madison goes without incident, we arrive around 12:15, unload Sean and get ready to say good-bye. The smart alek keeps asking me, "Are you going to miss me Mom?" and I finally look at him and say, "Are you going to miss ME?". This detail is comes back later. We say goodbye, and try as hard as I might, I end up crying and hugging him, not wanting to let go. I know it will be several weeks before I get those hugs again. We say a final goodbye, and I make my way to head back to MN. I'm feeling pretty good about the drive, thinking I just might make it back in time for the start of the curling party!
As I am driving down Washington Ave. in Madison, my car starts making strange sounds...the lights are on again as before, and I notice that it's difficult to accelerate every once in awhile. Anxious to get home, and not wanting to deal with car issues in Madison, I head out to the highway. I am able to get to my cruising speed of 72 MPH, and feel good about the trip back. About 2 hours into the trip, as I am putting a CD of the Diving Mercy Chaplet in to pray (it was 3:00 p.m.), just as I started saying the Our Father, the car makes a "thump" sound, and I lose speed. I did have control of the car, and the brakes worked, so I managed to get the car over to the right side of I-94 and it DIES. Dead. Nothing. There is power via the battery, so the dashboard is lit and the radio works, but nothing happens when I try to turn it over. I instantly know, this is not good!
My parents give us a AAA membership each year for Christmas, and it has come in handy several times for dead batteries, car accident tows, and keys locked in the car. I know it will never be more handy than right now! I am able to figure out where is the nearest exit (#143 just north of Tomah, WI), and assured that my tow truck will arrive within the next 40 minutes. I have 100 miles of free towing, so I find a Volkswagen dealership in Eau Claire, WI, I know that is about 75 miles away and call them to arrange service. The service department is closed (it's now 3:30 on a Saturday), but the very pleasant and helpful receptionist tries to secure a loaner car for me from the sales manager (there wasn't), then tries to find a rental car for me in Eau Claire (all closed at noon), and finally finds a place for me to wait that will be safe and easy to find. What a gem she was! I wish I could remember her name. While I'm waiting, I read a text that was sent to me during my drive. Remember what I said about Sean's smart alek questions and my response? The text is from Sean, "I will really miss you. I take for granted how nice it was to have you for a month. Drive safe, and love you." Boom. Heartstrings tugged. How did I get such a great kid...I start sobbing in my increasingly chilly car, finding myself with no napkins, no tissue, missing my son and wishing for one more big hug.
About 3:50 I get a call from Duane, from Granger Campground and Small Engine Service in Oakdale, WI, telling me is on his way. Duane arrives, and walks me to the warm cab of his tow truck. He then proceeds to get my car hooked up to tow to Eau Claire. I take advantage of the warm truck, call Corey and let him know what is happening. A few minutes later Duane comes back to the truck, and I ask if we're all ready to go. "Nope, it's gonna be a while." He then proceeds to call someone and tell them to bring the flatbed, because the hydraulic something snapped on the tow truck we were in. All I can think is, "Of course it did!". So, after another 30 minutes of waiting, desperately trying to find someone on their way back from Madison to pick me up in Eau Claire before finally calling Corey to let him know where to pick me up, and we are on our way. Duane then tells me that we need to get fuel in Black River Falls, because he is almost on empty. I am happy to hear this, because I have to pee and I am very hungry, not having eaten anything since 9:00 this morning. We are in Wisconsin, and I spy cold beer in the refrigerator cases at Kwik Trip. Oh, do I want to snag a six-pack to drink right now, but I pass on that impulse and meet Duane back at the rig for the rest of our trip.
Duane is a kind older (75) gentleman who reminds me a lot of my Dad, and we have a nice conversation for the 60 minute drive. He says several times that he is worried that I'll have a ride when he leaves me in Eau Claire, and asks if I'm sure I don't want him to wait with me. Kathleen has been texting me to let me know where she and Corey are, and I assure him that I will not have to wait long. We drop off my car at Ken Vance VW in Eau Claire, he drops me off at the Holiday station, and soon after Corey and Kathleen arrive to bring me home.
On the drive home and as I share the details of the day with Corey and Kathleen, I make sure to find the things to be thankful for in the day. Despite my nerves being frayed from the events of the afternoon, I make sure to be thankful that this happened on my way home, not during the snow, not in the dark, that my parents give us a AAA Plus membership, that I had kind strangers working to help me out, that I was able to have control of my car enough to get to the side of the road safely. Earlier as I was driving, I kept thinking and praying about breaking the drive into small sections and pray that the car makes it. My last prayer was to get to Eau Claire. My car did make it to Eau Claire, although not in the way I had been thinking and praying, so I guess my prayer was answered.
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